Dear Robin
I read your newsletter this month and the "Ask Robin" section...so I am asking!
I believe in the past you have done some articles surrounding money. I am a person that happens to have a problem spending money and am curious to hear if you have done any research on causes to fears of spending money. I have over $100 G in the bank but cannot get myself to spend money on just about anything...shelter, eating, shopping for new clothes. I spend about $1,000 a year.
This one area in particular has cost me a lot of personal relationships...I am often not willing to pay for dinners, vacations, shopping, etc...I am a self proclaimed "mooch" who just feels like saving! I am not sure if I am wrong with wanting the guy to pay for everything, and I also know I don't like to make them feel like I am taking advantage of them.
I guess my questions are:
1) Is there any scientific/genetic causes for being afraid of spending money?
2) Can there be a relationship where one person spends money on everything while the other doesn't
Sincerely,
Can't Spend It
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Dear Can't Spend It,
I'm not sure about scientific or genetic, but I do believe that one's relationship with money, abundance or scarcity can be learned or could be a response from past conditioning.
If we feel undeserving/ unworthy, we become expert at denying ourselves. There are innumerable possible fears and reasons but let's explore. Some potential fears might be: losing control, trusting (yourself, others, the universe), being taken advantage of, or simply failing at money management and losing it all.
To one person money may translate to security, to another it might be a potential means of escape, another it might relate to power. You need to discover what it means to you to start unearthing your fears.
It all comes down to choices and what you choose to make most important in your life. Is this way of being really a choice for you? What are your priorities? What do you MOST want in your life? If your extreme penny pinching and "mooching" is costing you your dreams and priorities, then it is time to use new criteria to make choices.
As a couple you need to find what works for you. If your partner chooses and loves to handle all your expenses, that's fine. It may have an impact on the foundational sense of partnership that accompanies a healthy committed relationship between two whole and complete people. You risk resentment unless you are in agreement about the spending and relationship contributions. Discuss with your partner whether or not the current system is working for both of you.
The other piece is simply about taking responsibility for your life and the journey toward true freedom. You are no longer a child needing to be cared for. As an adult you have a powerful opportunity to choose and create what your life looks like. As it stands now, your money has all the power...it guides your choices, what you wear, where to go, how to get a free meal, what to deny yourself of, with whom you spend time, the success of relationships, it even dictates some of your partner's life. This is not freedom. If it is something you can't stop, it might be an addiction--an extreme way of trying to maintain control.
If you want to make a change, I'd encourage you to get some additional support and guidance, people who can help you navigate new territory. AND you must be willing to take a risk, invest time, energy and even money in yourself to learn how to claim freedom. You deserve it.
Consider one or more options for re-defining money's role in your life:
- A financial planner who is savvy in the psychology of money and can help you set up a budget and define how much you need to save for the future.
- A program for breaking addiction patterns (i.e. a 12-Step program-addictions are often the "same addiction in different clothes")
- A therapist to support clarity about the old relationship with money so you can let go
- A coach to help you create your future and freedom based on new beliefs and actions.
Best wishes for your breakthrough!
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this is your one life. why not make it amazing?
Robin (Peglow) Berg M.A., H.H.C. of SOLH Coaching is a Speaker and Integrative Life Coach who specializes in group and individual programs designed to create sustainable change. She supports high functioning, intelligent people to get inspired about the possibility of living a fully-expressed, powerful life while deepening their contribution to others. |
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Contact Info
SOLH Coaching
Robin (Peglow) Berg, M.A., H.H.C
(Please note new mailing address below)
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