Letting go of attachment
October 2005



What is suffering?
Generally speaking, suffering is a result of attachment. We may be “attached” to a particular outcome that we really want or to an expectation that we have for another. When the outcome doesn’t happen in the time frame we want or in the way that we want, we often become frustrated, irritated, or disappointed. When a person doesn’t behave in the way we expect or desire, we may feel hurt, angry, disappointed, discouraged or even turn it towards ourselves as self-criticism.

For example, imagine you begin a new job. This job is amazing, everything you wanted. One day your boss is irritable, short-tempered with you and gives you some feedback that makes you feel badly. You begin to suffer over the idea that you have made a mistake and that this job is like all the others--disappointing! What are you attached to that is causing pain? Is it the idea that the job was perfect; is it the perceived loss of the ideal; maybe you think your boss’ irritation is about you; or maybe you feel you let her down somehow?

Step back
All you really know in this situation is that right now there are improvements that need to be made and that your boss was irritable. What you don’t know is why she is irritable…it may have nothing to do with you! Release your attachment to the idea that it is about you! Let go of the story that suddenly your boss doesn’t like you or appreciate your work. Stick with what you know and act with compassion towards yourself and her. Perhaps she is having a bad day and it triggered over-sensitivity to specific concerns.

Let go of the self-doubt and self-judgment that you’ve made a mistake. Trust yourself and know you made your best decision at the time. Further, release your attachment to the job altogether…this is different from apathy…it is not about saying “forget it, I don’t care anyway” but instead accept that your job could be temporary or it could last years…be open to either route understanding that there is always immeasurable learning no matter the length of an experience. Do your best job now, and be present with the learning in the moment rather than holding tightly to your thought, idea, hope, or story.

When it comes right down to it, everything is temporary and constantly changing, shifting, moving. Love, pain, suffering, joy, success, failure, seasons… all are transient.

Being in the unknown
Releasing attachment often throws us into a place of uncertainty, of the unknown, which can feel incredibly overwhelming. We like to hold to the illusion that we have things under control and have certainty or balance. What is true, is that we really never know what will come, how things will turn out, exactly. We can certainly express a level of influence over what happens in our lives, but if we find ourselves continuously struggling, frequently frustrated, disappointed, or confused, we are likely suffering from attachment. (The attachment could be to a belief, ideal, person, objective, location, financial situation, relationship, way of life, expectation etc…) Release it and practice standing in uncertainty. Practice being okay with it. Yes it may be difficult.

Being empty
Perhaps most difficult is coming to terms with being “empty” for a time. While sitting in uncertainty, there may be an overwhelming sense of lack, of not having what you want, of feeling a void. For growth, before filling up, there must be emptiness. Before there is space for the new, the old must be released. Before feeling peace, suffering must be released.

Living free
Freedom comes when we release our attachments and embrace the unknown. We become free when we let go of our fear, “what if this doesn’t work out?” or “I will die if he no longer loves me.” We are free when we can observe what is happening around us rather than being reeled into drama like a fish on a line; when we stop trying to control outcomes and rather “go with the flow.” It is a much more enjoyable and peaceful experience.

So if you are suffering in your life, explore its source. Try to release your attachment to the source, step back and allow yourself to experience being empty for a time and embracing in the unknown. Experiment with not trying to control outcomes but instead maintaining compassion with yourself and others and life unfolds before you.

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