December 2004



A Common Thread
We all experience times in our lives when we feel we’re beginning all over again. Be it the loss of a pet, starting a new job, ending a long-term relationship, moving to a new town or simply across town. Some of us yearn for this opportunity, to start fresh, thankful to break into unknown territory and grow. Others feel overwhelm and dread the process of “oh do I have to?” A vacant room is exciting, and full of possibility to some; to others it appears an empty, barren space.

Currently I am in the midst of a most-of-my-life makeover. With the exception of my car and my clothes, nearly everything else is changing. A month and a half ago I left my relationship of 4 years (which I wish to honor in another way in the future). As a result, I am experiencing the rebuilding of my life. From driving my “car closet”, to mourning, to being inspired, to sleeping in an empty room on my Therma-Rest, and moving into a new office, there’s been lots of change!

It’s FEELING Time!
Regardless of the circumstance, new beginnings elicit an array of divergent emotions. At times you may even feel two seemingly opposite emotions simultaneously! One moment you are flying and the next you’re streaming tears like Niagara Falls, immobilized by loss.

Whatever the feelings are, create space for them. We are master “stuffers”, masking our true feelings, hiding behind work, or jamming them down with food or that 64 oz. super grande low-fat mocha latte with extra foam. The truth is we’ve set ourselves up not to feel. Yes, me too. I’ve been a great analyzer, work-a-holic, less-than-vulnerable woman for a good part of my life. It’s time to FEEL, people! When you need to collapse on the floor and cry, well by golly go for it. When anger crops up, find a safe way to express it. Don’t postpone—feelings must come out, and better for you choose how now or suffer greater later!

Though I don’t love the feelings of sorrow, helplessness, worry, sadness, confusion, I am indulging in them when I need to. The only time I contain myself at the moment is in the midst of teaching a yoga class where it feels inappropriate to bawl. Then I go outside after class and let it go. Ahhh. Somehow I know it is helpful to let it out.

Friends, Family and Bringin’ in the Funk!
New beginnings may challenge you to the core. Exciting, yes. Scary, yes. Creating community and support for yourself is essential and urgent. Take care of yourself and allow others to help you. Often at these times we look around and say, “oh no, I feel alone!” Oops. We often lose track in life and push away the people whom we care about.

Call them anyway. Ask them anyway.

This has been the most challenging part for me. This strong independence thing really created isolation and my own expectation that I can do everything for myself. Humbling, I’ve invited myself over, asked for a bed, invited a friend to tea and allowed them to pay, allowed myself to fall apart in front of friends. (gasp! What, cry publicly!? Oh my!) I am doing my best to take care of myself and my basic needs.

Invite people into your life. Immerse yourself in the fabulous company of friends (or acquaintances) you wish to reconnect with; risk asking for support, indulge in inviting yourself over for dinner. The balance? Absolutely do take time alone to feel and process the change, AND at the same time, surround yourself with uplifting people who care about you. You may be amazed, as I have, at the amount of love and support you have available to if you are willing to ask for and receive it!

Bringin’ in the Funk is simply about play. While suffering a loss you may feel irreverent and guilty to have fun and pleasure — you are sorely mistaken. What’s the ration” for pleasure allowed in life? As with nutrition, it is all about balance. All seriousness and sorrow with no play and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. At the same time, if you are thrilled about your new beginning, balance it with introspection. Take time and explore what you are letting go of, honor it, mourn it, release it peacefully, and be grateful for the lessons learned.

Fear, Regret, Holding On
Tricky phase this one. It tends to root its way in despite the best intentions. Isn’t it the week you quit your job that everyone finally acknowledges your amazing work? You suffer “buyer’s remorse insomnia” after purchasing your absolute dream home. You’re convinced the yellow-ringed and see-through favorite t-shirt is still perfectly good to wear in public. Hard to let go.

Comfort. We truly underestimate the power of what we are accustomed to, what feels comfortable. Jim Bunch (great biz coach) once helped me make the distinction between unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I perceived a new behavior I was practicing as uncomfortable. Yet it actually was more unfamiliar. I simply was not used to it. It feels that way now too. New spaces, new beds, new routes. At times I definitely yearn for what I had; my home, happy times, the familiar smells, Devin — always there will be love for what was.

Being in the unfamiliar is healthy. In growth, we must release the fear and practice radical trust for our highest good. Things will not always go the way you expect or want them to. Keep walking your path. There is a greater wisdom beyond you that beckons. Often it is only much later that we can see the perfection of a seemingly difficult course of events that created an amazing outcome.

Uncovering Essence
Last week was a big one. Currently I’m having the experience of what it is like to be stripped clean of attachments. Having slept in 8 places in 4 weeks, carrying what are now my “essentials” in the back of my car, and having a “shift” in finances, I am learning who I am and who I am not.

I am not my house, my job, my lovely duvet cover, my bed, my clothes, my money. I am not my stability, planning or expectations of what I thought my life would look like or the relationship I hoped was forever. I am not even my physical body — my little breakout “bumps” on my face from high emotions. My emotions too, are not even who I am, merely an expression of my thoughts and energy as they move through me.

Who I am is my soul, my spirit. Who I am is my truth. My essence is love for myself and others. Who I am is a divine goddess standing in my light despite the seeming storm swirling around me.

In ways it is liberating releasing attachments to what I thought was my life, yet it can feel like an overwhelming loss. So I ask you to consider who are you? What is your essence? This is the perfect season to explore…during the holidays we can get drawn into the material world and out of our essence. I invite you to stand in your divine, the part of yourself that is true, loving, and present and then share it with others. Don’t wait for an “event” to thrust you into understanding yourself and your essence. In the movie “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” it is heartbreaking that Li Mu Bai finally professes his love to Shu Lien in his dying breath! Ask now; feel your emotions now; invite support into your life; let go of the fear that holds you back; embrace your essence.

Wishing you peace, clarity, joy and freedom in all your new beginnings!

And many thanks to all who’ve provided me support and love, including Devin, who never ceases to amaze me.

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