This is a lengthy piece, so I must split it into two.  Part two will arrive soon!

A year ago this time I was dancing with Sadness while holding to a thread of Hope that I'd have true love.  In the 4 ½ years of being single with some dating, I was exhausted by relationship "failures" and was starting to question if there was something wrong with me; maybe I just wasn't made for relationship and marriage.  It was odd, because deep down I'd always thought I'd get married and have a family.  However at 37, I could see the real possibility of being single and/ or not having children, and how I'd better find peace with my circumstance if I ever wanted to be truly happy.

The Suffering

My suffering was not caused by my circumstances, (being single and living on my own) but by my attachment to what wasn't.  When I focused on the seeming lack in my life, I suffered.  I suffered over no romantic relationship, feeling unaccepted, and the difficulty breaking patterns.  I suffered over the possible loss of what my life could have been and might never be.  It was like a giant awful teabag, steeping in the richness of foul flavor.

My Own Guidance

I've had my own version of meditation for years now--sitting quietly in front of a few candles, breathing and journaling at the end.  When I journal, I ask for guidance.  I'll share some excerpts as though it were a letter from my "wise self" to yours.  Take and modify what is useful and ignore the rest.

"You must stop trying to please others and in particular, men [women, boss, family].  Please unplug from their needs and come into your own sense of self-love, self-approval and grace.  Feel beautiful for you.  Decide what you wish based on you, not based on fear or not trusting yourself.  You must begin trusting yourself.  This is one of the primary roots of your anxiety. What will help is to let go of the control.  Allow life to be and then make choices that support self-love, the success of your business, new relationships.  Each day, choose that which uplifts you and relaxes you into who you are rather than trying to please someone else.  What you are afraid of losing (that which you don't even have), is not what you think it is.  Let go.  There is no loss, simply freedom to attract to you more of what you actually desire."

"Love deeply and fully- yourself. Seek to express who you actually are and trust that this has magnetic pull.  Be the joy that is you. Be the vulnerability that is you.  Accept all of you, even the parts that seem to you to be broken.  You are ok- there is really nothing wrong with you that would keep you from a relationship that you truly want.  Stop hiding and keep working to lighten your schedule (create space).  Be willing to be seen.  Show you are ready by taking daily action- YES--daily action that says 'Yes, I am ready!'"

And finally, "How to let go.  Begin by letting go of fear. Be willing to be empty or to move on immediately.  Be willing not to know.  Be unwilling to continue on the way you are living- no longer tolerate what's not working."

**Dear Reader: You have this wisdom within you too.  If you are willing to listen and follow it, it will guide you places you never imaged.

Pivotal Choices

Before breakthrough, our commitment gets tested.  My new standards for relationships were: we must both be "all IN" and be fully available (my pattern was unavailable men).

My first big letting go was an amazing man who was almost fully available.  Recently single, he liked me but wanted to date around a bit. Despite that he was incredible and seemed a great match, I trusted myself that I deserved (and yearned) to be with someone who adored me and was ready now.  I wanted "all in" or to stay single. Stayed single.

The second big letting go, was getting my dog, Cooper.  This was a major decision for me.  One big reason why I recently postponed getting a dog was that I thought it'd be too much work for me on my own, and that I should wait to be in relationship.  Finally I got clear, refused to tolerate waiting for my life to begin and leapt toward a life-long dream.  Got the dog.

And then, in conjunction with my pivotal choices, there was a massive "shift in the universe" within a month.

And yes, it was absolutely worth the wait.

Stay tuned for the conclusion of When Dreams Come True.

Joy for snow showers in April,

Robin